Who am I?

I mentioned in my last post that we are redefining who we are individually and as a couple. This has been especially so for me, I find myself in a position I never really imagined.

I've worn many faces over the years: daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, lover, wife, mother, grandmother, employee, caregiver, mentor, victim, survivor, thriver, submissive,  massochist.  But, who am I now?

I've been thinking about this quite a bit and I don't honestly know.  I guess I'm still a daughter, but my parents are deceased.  I'm quite OK with that since they were the ones who made me a victim. I  became a survivor and thriver without any input or support from them. 

I'm still a mother and grandmother, but my children and grandchildren do not live close.  I'm not an active participant in their lives due to long standing issues that have caused us to be estranged.  That makes me sad, but they aren't interested in changing that and I can't  force them to make the necessary changes required. Musicman has a better relationship with them and he frequently shares pictures of our grandkids with me.

Employee, caregiver, mentor: many years ago I chose to pursue a career in health care.  I spent 38 years as a professional caregiver. I was quite successful and for a period of time mentored people entering the profession. In addition to being a professional caregiver, I also found myself in the position of being the main caregiver for family and friends.  I found it quite fulfilling. 

Unfortunately, 2 1/2 years ago I sustained a separated shoulder in an accident. I haven't worked a day since then.  Shortly  after that I received a diagnosis of severe degenerative arthritis in most of my major joints and spine.  Chronic pain and numbness on some level have become my new normal.  I will never be able to hold down a job again.  I find it very ironic that I spent so many years caring for others and now I struggle to take care of myself.

I can now happily say I continue to be a wife and lover to my Musicman. Just a year ago I thought that was coming to an end.  It's been a tumultuous year, but we're finally in a good place. Due to my physical issues and things that Musicman is going through,  being physical lover's is a bit more challenging than we would like.  We are communicating well about these issues and are working through them.

Submissive and masochist, yes those proclivities are still present for me, I just don't  indulge in them right now.  Obviously my physical issues are partly the cause of that.  If properly motivated we could find ways to work around them.  I don't want to. Musicman has brought it up a few times, but I've  shut him down every time.  Right now I don't feel  like I'm in a good place mentally or emotionally to bring D/s or TTWD back into our relationship. There is a part of  me that misses it, but there's a bigger part of me that isn't ready for that yet.  I'm not sure what it would take or what would need to happen for me to be comfortable with that dynamic again.

Breaking the Stigma

Please note: at this time I'm unable to answer comments. I'm not sure why, it could  be the old tablet I'm using or the fact that I can't update the program. Just know that I do read them and appreciate everyone's input.

Some of the commenters have suggested that I leave Musicman and find my own happiness.  I truly understand that sentiment.  In fact I did leave him. In November of last year I gave him a week's notice that I was moving 600 miles away.  I told him that he needed to really think about whether he wanted to be with me. I told him I wasn't coming back and that if he did in fact want to  continue our marriage he had to be willing to come to me.

He was born, raised and lived his entire life in the same 5 mile radius.  I knew moving would be very hard for him.  He has always been a pessimistic person.  That trait has been much more prevalent in the last few years.

Statistics show that 1 in 4 people will be affected by mental illness in their lifetime.  Many of  those people do not reach out for help, I believe it's more difficult for men to admit it and ask.  Most of the men in my generation  were raised to not really  show emotions and certainly never admit they might be depressed and need help. This was exactly what Musicman and I have been dealing with.

I'm very happy to say that Musicman, with a lot of support from me, admitted a few months ago that he was depressed and needed more help than I was able to provide.

I made an appointment with his physician and at his request went with him. He struggled quite a bit talking to his doctor.  I  was able to fill in answers for him when he couldn't answer. The mental health screening resulted in him having a diagnosis of a severe episode of depression. He didn't want to take medication, but he did agree to try it.   It's helped quite a bit.

I've also seen a drastic change for the better since we moved into our own place. Musicman told me the first week in our new home that he was really happy.  Neither of us realized how much it bothered him to be living in another man's home.  He willinglyadmits that my brother and T have a lovely home. They did everything they could to make him feel comfortable, but it was a huge weight on his shoulders.  I guess it's a guy thing cause I've always been quite comfortable living with them.

I've been with Musicman for 34 years. We promised in sickness or in health when we took our vows. I've been with him through  a few major physical health issues. I couldn't give up on him just because he is dealing with a non-physical health issue.  As long as he's willing to seek treatment and work on getting better, I'll be there for him. I love him.

I'm starting to see more and more everyday of the man I fell in love with all those years ago. We're definitely in a time in our lives where we both are redefining who we are individually and as a couple. Our life together is now very different than either of us could have  imagined, but we are happy with the direction we are moving in.