Who am I?

I mentioned in my last post that we are redefining who we are individually and as a couple. This has been especially so for me, I find myself in a position I never really imagined.

I've worn many faces over the years: daughter, sister, friend, girlfriend, lover, wife, mother, grandmother, employee, caregiver, mentor, victim, survivor, thriver, submissive,  massochist.  But, who am I now?

I've been thinking about this quite a bit and I don't honestly know.  I guess I'm still a daughter, but my parents are deceased.  I'm quite OK with that since they were the ones who made me a victim. I  became a survivor and thriver without any input or support from them. 

I'm still a mother and grandmother, but my children and grandchildren do not live close.  I'm not an active participant in their lives due to long standing issues that have caused us to be estranged.  That makes me sad, but they aren't interested in changing that and I can't  force them to make the necessary changes required. Musicman has a better relationship with them and he frequently shares pictures of our grandkids with me.

Employee, caregiver, mentor: many years ago I chose to pursue a career in health care.  I spent 38 years as a professional caregiver. I was quite successful and for a period of time mentored people entering the profession. In addition to being a professional caregiver, I also found myself in the position of being the main caregiver for family and friends.  I found it quite fulfilling. 

Unfortunately, 2 1/2 years ago I sustained a separated shoulder in an accident. I haven't worked a day since then.  Shortly  after that I received a diagnosis of severe degenerative arthritis in most of my major joints and spine.  Chronic pain and numbness on some level have become my new normal.  I will never be able to hold down a job again.  I find it very ironic that I spent so many years caring for others and now I struggle to take care of myself.

I can now happily say I continue to be a wife and lover to my Musicman. Just a year ago I thought that was coming to an end.  It's been a tumultuous year, but we're finally in a good place. Due to my physical issues and things that Musicman is going through,  being physical lover's is a bit more challenging than we would like.  We are communicating well about these issues and are working through them.

Submissive and masochist, yes those proclivities are still present for me, I just don't  indulge in them right now.  Obviously my physical issues are partly the cause of that.  If properly motivated we could find ways to work around them.  I don't want to. Musicman has brought it up a few times, but I've  shut him down every time.  Right now I don't feel  like I'm in a good place mentally or emotionally to bring D/s or TTWD back into our relationship. There is a part of  me that misses it, but there's a bigger part of me that isn't ready for that yet.  I'm not sure what it would take or what would need to happen for me to be comfortable with that dynamic again.

Breaking the Stigma

Please note: at this time I'm unable to answer comments. I'm not sure why, it could  be the old tablet I'm using or the fact that I can't update the program. Just know that I do read them and appreciate everyone's input.

Some of the commenters have suggested that I leave Musicman and find my own happiness.  I truly understand that sentiment.  In fact I did leave him. In November of last year I gave him a week's notice that I was moving 600 miles away.  I told him that he needed to really think about whether he wanted to be with me. I told him I wasn't coming back and that if he did in fact want to  continue our marriage he had to be willing to come to me.

He was born, raised and lived his entire life in the same 5 mile radius.  I knew moving would be very hard for him.  He has always been a pessimistic person.  That trait has been much more prevalent in the last few years.

Statistics show that 1 in 4 people will be affected by mental illness in their lifetime.  Many of  those people do not reach out for help, I believe it's more difficult for men to admit it and ask.  Most of the men in my generation  were raised to not really  show emotions and certainly never admit they might be depressed and need help. This was exactly what Musicman and I have been dealing with.

I'm very happy to say that Musicman, with a lot of support from me, admitted a few months ago that he was depressed and needed more help than I was able to provide.

I made an appointment with his physician and at his request went with him. He struggled quite a bit talking to his doctor.  I  was able to fill in answers for him when he couldn't answer. The mental health screening resulted in him having a diagnosis of a severe episode of depression. He didn't want to take medication, but he did agree to try it.   It's helped quite a bit.

I've also seen a drastic change for the better since we moved into our own place. Musicman told me the first week in our new home that he was really happy.  Neither of us realized how much it bothered him to be living in another man's home.  He willinglyadmits that my brother and T have a lovely home. They did everything they could to make him feel comfortable, but it was a huge weight on his shoulders.  I guess it's a guy thing cause I've always been quite comfortable living with them.

I've been with Musicman for 34 years. We promised in sickness or in health when we took our vows. I've been with him through  a few major physical health issues. I couldn't give up on him just because he is dealing with a non-physical health issue.  As long as he's willing to seek treatment and work on getting better, I'll be there for him. I love him.

I'm starting to see more and more everyday of the man I fell in love with all those years ago. We're definitely in a time in our lives where we both are redefining who we are individually and as a couple. Our life together is now very different than either of us could have  imagined, but we are happy with the direction we are moving in.

It's been awhile

It's been awhile.  So much has changed.

I finally got a decision, I'm officially retired.

In actuality, I'm broken, disabled is the title they've given me. I find it quite ironic that I spent 38 years as a professional caregiver and now I struggle to take care of myself .

Things with Musicman have continued to be difficult. More than once I've wished I didn't believe him when he said he missed me and he realized he made a mistake in not putting  me first.  I've  seriously wished I never let him move here. I've always tried to live my life without regrets, he makes that very hard to do.

I have been very happy living with my brother and T, Musicman, not so much. I  finally got everything settled and found the perfect place for us to live.

Despite the fact that Musicman was the one who wanted so desperately to get our own place, he did almost nothing to help with the move.  It's been extremely taxing taking care of everything myself, but I'm managing.

I found a lovely apartment. I'm just feet away from the pool, the landscaping has palm trees  all around.  It has an open floor plan, something I've always wanted. Lots of big windows which allows for an abundance of natural light and bonus, I can look out those windows and see the palm trees.  That makes me so happy.

We've been here about a week and the unpacking is kicking my big fat ass, but I'm doing my best to get it all done.

I've still got major challenges ahead. I have to see a neurosurgeon. Surgery on my cervical spine is not an if,  but a when, and how extensive. It's kind of frightening when your doctor tells you, your high risk for paralization.  I also have to see an orthopedic surgeon. Just my luck the last one I had messed up and the surgery that was supposed to fix my separated shoulder failed.

Honestly, it's all a little too much for me to comprehend. It's scary and I often feel all alone.  I don't feel that I can rely on Musicman, I really have no reason to believe otherwise. My brother and T will do their best to support me, but they have their own lives and issues to deal with and I'm not so great at accepting help.

When the World Crumbles

The urge to write has become overwhelming.  I wish I had the time and capability to visit and write more often.  I know I've not been very good at answering comments, but please know that I read them all and appreciate the positive energy and support.

I'm knee deep in a 2 year battle for the benefits I've paid into for the last 40 years. If y'all can spare a positive thought or prayer on the 20th, it would be helpful. I go before a judge that day and he/she will make a judgment about my future.

Musicman  and I are still living with my brother and T.  Thing's are going very well with that. I spend most days with 2 beautiful pit bulls, they are total love bugs and are great listener's . I definitely need that because Musicman is not adjusting to the move very well.

Musicman has told me it feels like his world is crumbling around him.  I understand that, but I'm embracing it.  Instead of focusing on what is crumbling, I focus on the new growth coming through the pile of crumbs.  I am still trying to get him to look at it that way.  It's most definitely an uphill battle.

I love the fact that the sun comes out every day. I love the warmth, we had temperatures in the high 90's  last week. So different from where we used to live.  I love the awesome tan I've already gotten, 10 minutes at a time while taking the doggies out.  Musicman hates the weather, his job and this city. He's definitely not embracing the changes.

His chosen profession is very much in demand here. One would think that would make finding a good job easy.  In our experience, not so much.  Employers here have no qualms about lying to him or omitting certain information in order to get him to take the job. We're still looking for a good fit for him. It's very hard to watch him struggle.

Help!!!  Help!!!  Help!!!

An Entirely New Start

It's been about a month now since our move.  I'm not gonna lie, the first couple of weeks were rough.  Very rough.

Musìcman was extremely stressed and taking it out on me.  I was doing everything I knew to be understanding and supportive, but he was saying and doing some very hurtful things.  I really began to regret giving him another chance.

I really thought that when I left him back in November he would have realized that I've changed.  We had enough conversations that I thought he grasped the fact that I am no longer going to allow him to disrespect me in any way.  He didn't.

Sad to say,  but things became so bad that I told him to pack his stuff and go back to where we moved from.  He didn't, but he has had a major change in attitude.

He's finally starting to realize that we have opportunities here to make a better life for ourselves.  He's starting to learn how to relax and enjoy himself again, something he had forgotten how to do.  I'm starting to see more and more glimpses of the wonderful man I fell in love with all those years ago.

Due to the fact that we are living with my brother and T  there have not been much chances for playtime,  but  I'm very hopeful that will change once we find our own place.

I don't believe that once we get our own place that playtime will just be picked up where we left off.  I don't want that.  We definitely need to redefine what TTWD is for us.  An entirely new start.  I'm looking forward to that.

New Year, New Beginning

Hi all.  So much has happened since I was last able to write.

I spent time getting settled in with my brother and T.  It truly feels like home to me and I've been very happy there.  The only thing missing was Musicman.

It's hard to walk away from a 33 year relationship, especially  when you don't want to, but I had to.  If I was going to survive and thrive, be happy again, I  had to leave. I left it up to him to make the decision to join me or not.

It didn't take him too long before  he was saying he made a mistake.  He admitted he had been focusing on all the wrong things when he should have been focusing on me.  Yep, sounds good, but what are you going to do about it ?   At this point, words mean very little to me.  I want to see action.

He got vacation time at the new year. He came down the weekend before New Year's.  I was cautiously optimistic about starting the new year with him in my new home.

He had several job interviews setup.  He knew I wasn't going back to our old home unless it was to pack up because he had a firm start date for a job in the city that was my new home.

I have family and friends in the new city.  I've  begun building a new life there.  I've definitely changed, but I still want him in my life.  I just want it on my terms.  Might seem like a lot to expect, but I've  given up a lot over the last many years for everyone else. This is my time.

I'm currently happily ecstatic and exhausted.  Musicman, the man who was born, raised and lived his entire  54 years in the same 5 mile radius, received multiple job offers in the city I now consider home.  He's moving 600 miles away from everything he's ever known.

A new city, a new job and eventually a new home.  And he's  doing  it to be with  me.  I'm so happy I don't even have words.  I've  wanted this for years, though I never  really thought it would happen.  Someone needs to pinch me so I know it's  real.

Things are hectic, and it may take me awhile to get back here, but hopefully I will, with tales of faerie flying again.