Plans in the Making

In all the years we've been together we've never gone on a vacation that did not involve visiting relatives. Even our honeymoon, 2 months after our wedding, was a visit to see relatives and my in-laws showed up just a few days into the trip. It wasn't as bad as it sounds, we did have a cabin all to ourselves. The fact that the only thing to do in the area was fish, and I despise fishing, is negligible. At least that's what I tell myself anyway.

Due to circumstances beyond our control, we haven't been on a vacation in many, many years. Imagine my surprise when Musicman came home one day last week and told me he scheduled 10 days off in July. Ten whole days, yay. I scheduled the time off from work myself the very next day.

I inquired ever so sweetly if we might go away somewhere. I totally expected him to say no, cause he doesn't really care to travel. He never feels comfortable staying away from home. I was ecstatic when he said maybe. I can work with maybe, all I need to do is find the perfect place, for the perfect price.

The perfect place for me would be somewhere, anywhere, on a beach with a book and a pretty little drink with an umbrella in it. Unfortunately, Musicman suffers severe burns if he even thinks about spending time in the sun, so that's out.

Hotels are definitely out, he doesn't care to be around people. We stayed in a hotel this past summer when we were out of state for my brother's funeral. Not only could we hear everyone walking up and down the hall at all hours of the night, but I actually heard my other brother snoring in the next room. Not what I am looking for, I want something private. Someplace where I can run around nekkid and no one will question the odd sounds that might be coming from the room.

No, no hotels for us. Musicman is much more the cabin in the woods kind of guy anyway. So I spent the afternoon googling cabins for rent. I found the perfect ones. The location is beautiful, there are interesting things to do nearby and the cost isn't too outrageous. The only problem, they are about 10 hours away. We could fly, but Musicman won't get on a plane and with the way flights are from where we live, it wouldn't really save us much time anyway.

I doubt he will approve that idea, though I think it would be a great adventure. I will continue to look around and try and find something as nice a bit closer to home. I have a few months to find something and I'm determined we are going to go away, somewhere, anywhere.

Precious Stolen Moments

Lack of privacy has been a huge, ongoing issue for us. There was a time, before the kids moved back in, when we were averaging a spanking every other day. That was about perfect for me. I was a very happy and satisfied faerie. I also believe that Musicman was much happier during that time too. Then the kids returned and spankings went from every other day, to when ever we could grab some privacy. If we noticed we were home alone we would lose no time heading to the bedroom and getting in some quality play time. It wasn't ideal, but it was doable and we still played about twice a week.

Then life happened. I was stressed and grief stricken and not much in the mood to play very often. I slowly started pulling out of my grief, just to find that a situation that Musicman found extremely stressful had befallen us. I wanted to play, but he didn't.

He no longer took advantage of those surprise moments when we were alone. He restricted spanking to the times when our daughter and her little family were gone for the weekend and our son was at work. At first, those times occurred about every other weekend, then slowly dwindled to about once a month. I was no longer a happy and satisfied faerie, but I understood what he was dealing with and tried not to put to much pressure on him.

The situation he has been dealing with has finally, after months of trying different things, been resolved. I began to once again think about taking advantage of those stolen moments. I missed them and once a month was no longer acceptable to me. I just needed to convince him that it is okay to actually lock the doors and have some fun without worrying about when the kids might come home.

My daughter sorta forced my hand on that one. She informed us that they would no longer be going away for the weekends as they had been doing. Well damn, I had been counting on those weekends like they were gold and now they are gone. I quite unhappily informed Musicman about it and really did think I might never be spanked again.

I was so happily surprised when Friday came along and we found ourselves home alone for a short period of time. Musicman was quick to lock the doors and take paddle in hand. It was a good thing he was quick, cause with it being so long in between spankings my mind always begins to wonder if that is really what I want. I worry that maybe it won't work, it won't take me to that wonderful place I love so much. That cloud of submission that evolves into subspace that I miss so terribly.

Of course my worries were for naught, it worked quite well. He got "his little faerie" back and I got so much more. I've made sure to mention several times how much I have missed our playtimes and that we need to start locking the door and taking advantage of stolen moments more often.

His response was to make mention of needing to gag me and use the coat hanger. Oh, yes please. Unfortunately, it didn't happen last night as he had planned. Totally his fault, he fell asleep before the movie we were watching even hit the middle. He didn't miss much as it wasn't a very good movie.

That gave me plenty of time to fantasize about his remark. It's stuck in my head, pulling me deeper and deeper into the scenario until it just won't stop. Maybe, since he now seems amenable to taking full advantage of the moments we do get, and working around our lack of privacy, we will have the chance soon to play out that scenario he planted in my head.

You're Nominated

Intermittent internet access the last few days have kept me from visiting here. I have also been dealing with a stomach bug and haven't felt like doing much of anything at all. Trying to get back to writing daily, or almost daily, has been harder than I thought it would be. Blog friends to the rescue.

The lovely Atiyaluv nominated me for a Liebster Award. Thanks Atiya, that is very sweet of you. I'm supposed to answer the 11 questions she provided. Okay, I can do that. I am supposed to share 11 random things about myself. Okay, I can do that too, though trying to think of 11 random things I haven't already shared may be a bit of a challenge I think I'm up to it. I'm supposed to display the Liebster Award on my blog or post, it's already there, so one less thing for me to do. I am also supposed to nominate 5-11 blogs to receive the award, I'll address that later.

1.  Do you believe in LDR (long distance relationships?) I'm not in an LDR, but I certainly believe that for the right people they are possible and quite fulfilling. Have a look around blogland, you will see several examples of successful LDR's.

2.  Have you ever thought about writing a book of any kind? Yes, writing a book is on my bucket list. I have started more than one, I just haven't finished any, yet.

3.  Do you like to travel, have you traveled and where have you traveled to? I love to travel. I have travelled through most of the eastern and southern US. I also spent most of the early years of my marriage vacationing in Canada.

4.  Do you enjoy what you do for a living?  if you do not, would you rather be doing something else? like what? I more then enjoy what I do for a living, it is more who I am then what I do. I've tried many times over the years of my career to do other things, I always come back to my chosen career.

5.  Do you speak more than one Language? if you do, what are they? No, I wish I did, I've always wanted to speak French.

6.  If you could have a sit down with any famous person who would it be, and why? Hmmmm...narrowing it down to just one is difficult. Any of the great thinkers and writers of the world come to mind for me. Since I can only pick one I think it would be Anais Nin. I find her life and her writing extremely fascinating.

7.  Do you have a role model? I was just thinking about this very thing recently. My role model was a wonderful woman who was not in my life for nearly long enough. It is Musicman's Grandmother. Not only did she welcome me into her family and love me like one of her own, she taught me through word and deed what it meant to be a wife, mother and woman in this world. I miss her so much.

8.  Would you move to a new country, and start all over for love? I sure would, give me half an hour and I'll be packed and ready to go.

9.  Any Guilty Pleasure?  (what are those?) Nope, I never feel guilty about things that give me pleasure.

10.  Pet peeves? Condescending, judgmental people. I think our uniqueness is a beautiful thing, something to be embraced and celebrated. People who judge and disparage those that they see as different always piss me off.

11.  Why did you start blogging? I started blogging because I wanted to connect with like minded people and have an outlet for the things that I can't share in my real life.

Okay, on to 11 random things about me:

1. I've always wanted to own a doll house. I have an uncommon love for miniature things and would be in heaven decorating a doll house.

2. I'm not a hoarder, but I have a habit of collecting things to refurbish or use in DIY projects. My latest find is a broken down birdhouse that I am going to turn into a faerie habitat.

3. My biggest insecurity is being a Mom, I don't think I'm very good at it. Thankfully for our kids, Musicman is a great Dad.

4. I believe in Heaven, but I don't believe in Hell. I think Hell is where we are now.

5. I don't follow organized religion, if I did, it would be Wicca. Yep, I'm a witch, lol.

6. I actually enjoy doing laundry. I didn't always, but laundry for two isn't so bad. I find it calming to fold and a huge sense of satisfaction when it is all done.

7. I would love to take cooking classes. I enjoy cooking but Musicman is a picky eater, so I sometimes find that limiting.

8. My dream home would have a studio for me to work on all the craft and DIY projects I enjoy.

9. I'm tone deaf, but I love to sing and dance. Some day I am going to take a dance class, I'd love to learn to belly dance.

10. I want a pair of wings. I have no idea where I would wear them, but I really want a pair, or maybe several.

11. I have been thinking a lot about bucket lists and what I would put on one, maybe because I will be turning 50 later this year. Honestly, I think I would need 2, a vanilla one and a sex one.

Now comes the part where I always break the rules. I can't nominate anyone to receive the award. That's not because I can't think of anyone to nominate, but because I can't narrow it down. If you are in my blogroll, I read you. I read because I identify with the things you share or like the energy of your writing. I never want to leave anyone out, that just doesn't feel right to me. So, I nominate all my friends here in blogland. Feel free to answer the questions and share some of yourself with everyone, tell them I nominated you, cause I just did.

I Will Pretend

I'm feeling so sad tonight, for so many reasons. Holidays often do that to me lately. Memories of so many loved ones lost. Where once there was chaos and laughter, celebrating, decorations and food galore, there is now silence, an emptiness I no not how to fill.

There are no longer, generations gathering. No more do I see, Great Grandma, cradling the latest Grandbaby. No more are the big burly men, brothers all, sons following in their footsteps, loud and jovial.

The women gathering in the kitchen, their mission, to feed their men and nurture their children. Fellowship and love abound. As each one passed, I missed it more. It was a wonderful gift that I long to hang on to.

I feel inept, unable to bring them back, unable to move forward. I have not the wisdom, nor life experience needed. I am a poor substitute for what is so very much desired.

I would hide away, lose myself within the pain. Oh, that some one would make the world go away. Alas, that is also not meant to be.

I grab desperately for the moments that are no longer destined to be. They set me into a tail spin, wishing for escape. Knowing, always knowing, this is a wish I will not realize.

Despite my attempts to fight, my attempts to quell them, the tears brim over. I reach up to frantically flick them away. Now is not the time for weakness, now, is a time for celebration, a time for family, a time for love.

I will do my best, to pretend, hoping all the while that no one see's past the veil.

Some Much Needed Perspective

Perspective is an interesting thing. I was reminded of  that very thing today at work. I work with a woman who is just a few years younger than myself. She has pointed out to me that she and I are very much alike in many ways. For one, we see the world around us and deal with situations, in much the same way. She has even told me that she mentioned to her husband how much alike we are.

Her oldest child, a girl is the same age as my daughter. Both our girls are single moms to biracial daughters whom we both are helping to raise. Her son is a few years older than mine, but they have the same name. She married her high school sweetheart, though they are newlyweds due to the fact that they went their separate ways after school and both had previous marriages. We both have adult children that still live at home and neither of us are too pleased about that. We often find ourselves dealing with the same issues with our kids.

One of the things she often tells me is that she wants my life. Sounds rather odd since we seem to have very much the same life. The big difference is that her husband does not take care of her on a day to day basis the way Musicman does me. In effect, she wants a dominant man and she wants to nurture her submissive side. She hasn't said that in so many words, but it is easy to infer from what she has told me.

Another big difference that she has shared with me is her sex life. It is almost non existent. When they do have sex, "it last for three minutes then he is done." She has even said that she has complained to him "that he seduced her with porn star sex and now it's gone."  He even fell asleep on her once during sex.

I almost feel guilty when I tell her my relationship isn't like that. Oh sure, I don't get it as much as I would like due to the privacy issues, but it's never three minutes and done. Even when the house is full and we have to employ silent sex, 99% of the time it is totally satisfying for both of us and it has always been like that between us. That other 1%, when it doesn't work so well, is because my head is not in the right place, for whatever reason.

Sometimes I am tempted to confide in her that I live an alternative lifestyle, that I am submissive and Musicman is very much the HOH, but I won't. I doubt she would believe me if I did tell her because in my everyday life, I am anything but submissive. But, it is a good thing for me to hear her say that she wants my life, cause no matter how hard life has been lately and no matter what we are dealing with, I love my Musicman so much and I am so grateful for everything he does for me. It is good for me to be reminded that not everyone has the wonderful relationship that I enjoy, even if I occasionally want to hit him upside the head with a brick.

Disrespected

A rough night last night led to a rough morning. It could have all been avoided if only he had answered one question. It was an important question, one I have a right to have an answer to, but he didn't give me that answer.

This all goes back to the issue that has been plaguing Musicman for the last few months. The one in which I have stood by his side and completely supported him through, even though it was sometimes to my detriment.

We've had several conversations about this issue, I have expressed my thoughts and wishes repeatedly to him, to no avail. The most recent conversation was less than a week ago. I expressly asked him not to do something that he has been doing. I asked him not to do this thing because it has been putting us in a very difficult situation.

So, what did he do? He went and did the very thing I asked him not to do, again. When I asked for clarification, he was unable, or unwilling, to provide it. And then he wonders why I get pissed off. Really? How would he feel if I disrespected him that way? He wouldn't like it even one little bit.

Now, let me say that I understand why he is making these poor decisions, it is based in fear. An irrational fear that springs from his past. That kinda pisses me off too. If I can work as hard as I have, to face and conquer my past, then I feel he should at least make some small attempt to face his.

Instead he throws his doomsday scenario in my face like a threat. Let me just say, I have lived through his doomsday scenario, many years before I met him. I had no one to help me either. I had to figure it all out for myself and I did. Here is the funny thing about facing and conquering your fears, once you do, they no longer hold any fear or control over you.

The result of this incident, this whole situation really is, I no longer trust him to make the best decisions for us in this area of our life. At the very least, I feel he owes me an apology, then he needs to work really hard at regaining my trust.

We have discussed me taking over control in this area. That is something neither one of us wants, I highly doubt he would even be able to tolerate that. Or, we have also discussed me taking control of my contributions to this situation. I have no problems doing that, but he definitely does. He has already tried telling me how I am to do it. No, that isn't gonna fly with me. If I am taking control, I will do as I see fit and that won't be in any way, shape or form as to how he thinks it should be done.

Or, there is a third option, I could hit him upside the head with a brick and hope it knocks some sense into him and he will start actually hearing me when I speak. He will remember that we are both on the same team and that I am not a weak or stupid woman. He will learn to set his pride aside on occasion and accept help, even if it's just from me. Only time will I suppose as to how this all washes out. For the moment, Musicman has one very pissed off faerie to deal with.

A Fickle Bitch and the Masturbatory Tale

Great title if I do say so myself, unfortunately it's not nearly as interesting as it sounds. Musicman may say I am a fickle bitch on occasion, but it's not me I'm talking about.

Mother Nature is the fickle bitch, one that could surely use a good spanking. Over the weekend we finally had some warm weather, very summer like 70's and even hit 80 one day. Today? Today it was in the 30's and we have received several inches of new snow. Sigh, I really am so tired of winter, as I imagine most of us in this country are.

So, if anyone sees her, please send her to the corner until we are able to locate someone willing to take her over their knee for a good sound spanking. I think she has earned it.

As for the highlight of my day, and no, driving through a blizzard to work wasn't it, it's a masturbatory tale. No, it wasn't me.

I work with intellectually disabled senior citizens. At best, most of them have a mental age of a young teen, essentially they are little kids in old people bodies. They can be a lot of fun, but they all have their own special quirks. Don't we all?

We have a gentleman who particularly enjoys looking at magazines. The staff is usually quite careful about what magazines they give him, mostly nature type ones. Today however, someone wasn't paying attention and gave him one of the popular gossip mags that seem to be everywhere these days.

He enjoyed the pics of the girl in the bikini so much that he decided to expose himself and get busy. He did this in plain sight of anyone who cared to look his way. The male staff member that gave him the magazine was the first one to spot him, but was leery of approaching him. This particular client does not like him very much and has the potential to become violent, especially if you try to take his magazines away.

Guess who they recruited to take care of the situation? Yep, me. This particular client happens to like me and has never given me any problems. He has even been known to let me sit with him and share his magazines, something he doesn't let just anybody do. He cooperated and let me have the magazine and even tucked himself back in and zipped when I very matter of factly told him to.  Wish I could say this is the first time in my career I have had to address a situation like that, but it isn't.

Now, aren't ya'll glad I have decided to share more?

Writing Through The Chaos

My life is very chaotic right now, in all areas. I have a job I love, but my schedule changes daily and even though I insist on at least one day a week off, I am always on call. I give my boss a two hour window each morning to call, she doesn't always strictly stick to that window. I can receive a call as late as 11:00 asking me to come in to work.

At home we have a house full of people that do not keep similar schedules. Musicman follows a strict first shift schedule, up before six and out of the house before 7. Most days I awaken with him and stay up, even though it is hard to get anything done knowing the phone might ring and I will need to drop what I'm doing and go to work. Also, if I'm not already scheduled for work, I'm not a great morning person. I no longer like having to get up immediately and rush around getting ready to get out of the house.

Our daughter and her little family keep a second shift schedule. Our son keeps a third shift schedule. It is not unusual for him to be just be going to bed when we are getting up in the morning and for him to be getting up when I am getting home at the end of the day.

This means that my house is never quiet. There are always lights and TVs on somewhere. Some one is cooking in the kitchen at all hours of the day or night and don't even get me started about the phone, it never seems to stop ringing. Nothing like a ringing phone at 3am or a crying baby to interrupt a good night's sleep.

I've realized that I have no routine to any of my days, other than meal planning and cooking dinner for Musicman. This has been going on for about a year and a half. All these things combined have made D/s feel very much like one step forward and three steps back. I've also often felt as if I should just quit coming here to write, after all, who wants to read about constant chaos?

I've tried several times to step away, but I keep getting drawn back. I've realized that while I have always written for myself and secondarily for Musicman, the reasons I come here have changed. Initially I wrote to make connections with other like minded people. I have done that, this is a wonderful community that does not judge and usually embraces everyone. I do appreciate that, but I also have found myself withdrawing some. Even though I still read the blogs I follow, I comment very little, essentially I have become a lurker. I do that because right now I don't feel as if I am in a good place to comment.

I find it okay for me to come here and vent, or write about some of the negative things going on in my life, but I would never feel comfortable laying that negativity at someone else's doorstep. That's why I stay quiet. I did not realize when I first started that writing would be so helpful, almost therapeutic for me, but it really is. That's why even though I think about leaving, ultimately I have never been able to, the benefits to me are too great right now.

In thinking about the whole situation it became glaringly obvious to me that I do very little, almost nothing really, for myself. Days can go by without me doing something I really enjoy doing or that benefits just me in some way. That is when I thought it might behoove me to start writing more regularly again.

I've been thinking about this for about a week now, often getting tripped up on the fact that this is supposed to be a D/s blog and I might not have all that much D/s related stuff to write about.  Then I remembered that when I first began, the blurb I had on my profile was, that this was a place for me to explore my sexuality. Whether I like it or not, whether anyone talks about it or not, all these day to day things we deal with effects our sexuality, at least for me.

So, I am going to try and make the time to write more regularly. I may lose readers, but that's okay, I already have many more readers then commenter's anyway. I may lose commenter's, that's okay too, I know how exhausting my life is, and sometimes there just isn't much for others to say anyway. I believe it is sorta like watching a train wreck in the making, people stop to rubberneck, but rarely step up to say anything. Either way, I appreciate all of you, whether you stick with me or not. I write for me and that is really the most important thing.

Pushing Limits Eliminates Stagnation

Pushing limits is something that happens often in this lifestyle, at least for us. So many of my soft limits have fallen away over the years, as well as hard limits transforming into soft limits. Every time that has happened it has felt very much like a victory for me. That doesn't always mean it has been easy though.

I think this last incident has been one of the hardest ones for me to deal with. I have never ever before felt as if I should have stopped things. Clearly I should have and maybe next time I will recognize those feelings and do just that. I say next time, cause there is always a next time, if there isn't, it quickly becomes stagnation.

While it was difficult for me to process everything, I did manage to do it. Having this place to write helps me sort through things. It also gives him a bit of insight as to where I am emotionally. The next step, depending on the situation, is to have an actual conversation, usually in bed, with me burying my head in his chest.

Yep, we did that. I knew he never meant to hurt me, and he did apologize. I did my best to explain how I felt when certain things were being said. Ya see, this was not him pushing my physical limits, but my cognitive ones. I sometimes think those are harder for me. I seem to be able to handle quite a bit physically and to react in the moment more easily if he is taking things to a place I'm not comfortable with, not so when he chooses to play in my head.

For the moment he has decided to take this particular scenario off the table. I have to say, that is a relief for me. I know at some point I will want to revisit it, because he is interested in it. I am very well aware that this thing we do is not just about me. It is about us and the journey we are on together. The things he wants, while maybe not something I may be interested in, are important to me. It is important to me that he find me and what I have to offer, pleasing and satisfying.

Most likely he will wait for more feedback from me before attempting this again. I also know that at some point, I don't know when, but at some point, I will turn my thoughts to what I need to do or need from him, to be comfortable trying this again. I'm a bit exhausted by all this right now, so I can't say it will be soon, but that's okay. When I do decide to address it again, I will think long and hard about the whole situation, what may have caused it to go so wrong for me and how to handle it better next time.

I won't tell him exactly what to do, that just isn't me, though I know he does wish I would do that sometimes. No, what I will probably do is write him a story, a scenario, that depicts how I imagine it will work. I have done this before and while he doesn't follow those scenario's to a T, that isn't what I expect anyway. What I am hoping for by presenting it that way, is to give him workable examples, that he can tailor to his own needs, that are appealing to me.

So, while this situation was hard for me, things are much better now. I have learned some things, which is always important to me and I think this also reminded him of some thing's too. Namely, that I am quite capable of being a silly girl. At least that's what he said during our talk. I can't say I disagree.

I Should Have

I should have used our safe word, except we don't have one. I've never felt we needed one. I've always trusted him to stop if I say stop, which I don't ever remember doing. I certainly could have this time, I wanted to, I should have, but I didn't.

I knew when we embarked on this lifestyle, at my request, that we were opening doors one or the other of us might not necessarily want to go through. Here's the thing though, I really thought it would be me opening doors he didn't want to go through. I didn't stop to think that he would want to take us in a totally different direction. A direction I am not comfortable going. Stupid of me, I know, but there you have it.

He's taken us down this path before and it's always been an uncomfortable experience for me. We've talked about that many times. He has assured me over and over again, that this is just a fantasy and that is enough for him. He tells me it is not something he wishes to act on, but he still enjoys the fantasy. Ok, that should make me feel better, I thought it did, but evidently that was not the case.

I've realized there are a couple reasons I didn't speak up when I started feeling uncomfortable. One is the fact that I didn't realize how deeply this would effect me. In the moment, it was just a bit of a turn off for me. Afterwards is when it began to grow and fester. It hit a nerve, a nerve that allowed insecurities and inadequacies to bubble up to the surface. I took things too personally, I'm not sure how a person is not supposed to take it personally, but I did and I let myself be emotionally hurt.

Typically, I'm not good at letting people see me hurt, so I hide behind anger. I knew that I had no reason to be angry at him, cause I should have spoken up. I should have told him how I was feeling. I should have handled the whole situation differently.

The other reason I didn't speak up and say no is because I want to please him. I want him to feel free to explore and share his fantasies, wants and needs with me. He does that for me, I should be able to provide the same courtesy for him. I don't want my own insecurities to place limits on us.

I realize that I have a lot of work to do in this area, I'm just not sure how.