Seeing Things Differently

Needless to say I have been feeling the distance between myself and Musicman. I really haven't stopped to think about it much, for one I haven't had much time to think, and because I have felt this distance before and thought I knew what the cause was.

I thought the cause was him being sick, this is the way I felt when he had the transplant 12 years ago. I thought it was just me going into caregiver mode. Being that I am a healthcare professional I thought it was normal to only allow myself to deal with the technical side of things so to speak. It is an automatic thing for me, someone is sick, it is my job to care for them until they are better. I also figured it was a coping mechanism, something I needed to do to get through.

Something happened this morning that made me see it differently. Musicman was feeling well enough to get out of the house and I needed to go to the grocery store, so off we went.

As I parked and got out of the van a man was standing a few cars away, he started to yell at me, apparently he didn't like my driving. Normally I would have thought nothing of it and just kept on walking. I'm ashamed to say I did not do that today. No, I attacked back, I told him "back the fuck off or I'll jam your nuts so far up your throat you'll be picking them out of your teeth for a week."  Then he made a fatal mistake, he laughed and kept running his mouth, egging me on. I saw red, dropped my purse and started to charge.

Thank the powers that be that by that time Musicman had managed to get out of the van and had come up behind me. I had forgotten that he was even with me. His hand on my shoulder and his calm voice telling me to "settle down" was all it took for me to realize what I was about to do. I probably would have gotten hurt, but I really thought in that minute that I could have at least taken that guy out in the process. Once he realized I wasn't alone he backed right down and we went on about the business of shopping.

This incident has been playing over and over in my mind since. This is not the way I would normally have handled this situation, at least not since Musicman came into my life. The old faerie, the one I was before Musicman, yeah, she wouldn't have stopped till everyone was awash in blood and not thought twice about it. But that was a long time ago, so why now?

I really think the distance I have been putting between Musicman and myself is not just me being a caregiver, not an automatic coping mechanism. No, I think it was me preparing to live without Musicman if things didn't go well. It saddens me that after all these years I still haven't allowed myself to soften much, to show my vulnerability. I let Musicman see it, I'm soft with him, but let something threaten it and I revert right back to my old ways. Maybe that's normal, I really don't know, but I find it sad. I really don't like being that way, attack first ask questions later.

I've always told Musicman I want to die the day before you do so I don't have to live a day without you. I think I may need to warn my kids that if that doesn't happen they may want to frisk me on a frequent basis cause I'm gonna be the only old lady in the nursing home who is palming a switch blade. And yes, sad to say, but I do still have the blade I carried before I met Musicman.

The positive note of this encounter, the distance is gone, I now know Musicman is here with me and no matter how sick he is he will always protect me, even if it's from myself.

Looking Forward to 2012

Well, after dumping my frustration here in my last post I got down to business. I called Doc to let him know what was going on. I did not realize he was on vacation and over 1,000 miles away, but he is a good guy and helped me.

We spent yesterday morning at an outpatient clinic having more tests done, then off to the ER for even more tests. Musicman has developed a bilateral Plueral Effusion, yuck. His vital signs were stable so they opted not to re-admit him to the hospital. We did however have to go back today to have a Thoracentesis done. They took over a liter of fluid out of one lung, no wonder he had no breath sounds on that side. He is doing much better now, able to breath without wheezing and move around without too much pain. The next several weeks will be filled with more tests and doctor appointments, but, fingers crossed we are on the road to recovery finally.

I am bummed that we can't celebrate New Year's in our usual fashion, but it could be worse, he could be back in the hospital.

For the last 2 decades we have celebrated New Year's in the same way. We have a few drinks and our favorite snacks, watch a movie or maybe a comedy special and then we curl up together in bed. We have the TV on with the sound turned down, cause I really like to watch the ball drop, our favorite music is on in the background.

Yes, we make a point of ending the old year and beginning the new one doing the same thing every year, sex. I think orgasms galore is a great way to usher out the old and greet the new year.
I don't think that is happening this year, but I have decided that since we missed the entire holiday season, we will just move it to a more convenient time for us, maybe mid January, lol.

This may not be the way I anticipated the holiday season being, but as I look back on the last year I am very happy with the things I have accomplished. I feel like I am on the brink of an exciting new year. I have gone through major changes in almost every aspect of my life in this last year, and while many where stressful and more painful than I ever thought they could be, I am in a good place and looking forward to what life has to offer in the coming year.

Happy New Year everyone and please be safe.

Nurse Faerie Looses Her Mind

Warning the following post is going to be a rant.

You now it's not going to be the best of days when you get out of bed pissed off at the world. I can't even blame it on lack of sleep because I have been sleeping pretty well. No, I am just super frustrated right now, but I don't like to deal with frustration when there is nothing that can be done to change the situation, so I get mad.

If I was the type to throw things and break things I wouldn't have a dish left. Good thing I'm not like that, I guess. But it would feel so good right now.

Often when I get this mad I contemplate running away, just packing a few things and leaving. If I had somewhere to run to I'd be gone.

Then of course there is the guilt of feeling this way. I mean really, who gets mad at someone for being sick? He isn't exactly having the time of his life either. Unfortunately for all the years we have been together I have always deferred to him. If he made a bad choice, he had to deal with it. But this is different, whether he likes it or not(he doesn't) I know better this time. I'll be honest, I don't particularly like being the one who knows better, because he still doesn't listen to me. Well, that's not exactly right, he listens, then he does whatever he wants anyway.

IF YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DO WHAT I SAY, STOP COMPLAINING.

Rationally I know what he is going through is not easy, but if he would just do what I say he would feel better. This is the perfect example of being a submissive wife coming back to bite me in the ass.  He isn't used to having someone else, even me, make decisions for him. I don't want to make the decisions, I've had decades of him making the decisions, and he usually makes very good ones. I have never regretted that I chose to let him be the leader in this relationship, until now. Sure I can blame it on the fact that he is in pain, and taking pain pills does not make for a clear head, but if I hear one more whine or one more complaint I may just scream at the man. Not recommended in bedside 101 by the way. And all that will accomplish is to make him as mad as I am, good way to cultivate marital harmony.

Maybe I should consider becoming a switch, maybe a good spanking will get him with the program. Okay, this is where I go, ewww, not in this lifetime.

 All right, I don't feel like I want to kill someone right now, so I'm going to go get in the shower and get my day started and hope I can keep things under control. If you should happen to run across an angry woman driving around aimlessly, give me a wave, I've run away from home and am probably lost.

The Adventures of Nurse Faerie

Ever have the need to write, but have nothing to say? Nothing wise, nothing witty, nothing wonderful makes for a whiny post.

Musicman is doing well but it is slow going. He is able to do more and  more for himself everyday, but I'm firmly in nurse mode at the moment. Managing meds and doctor appointments, feeding and clothing and blah blah blah. Yep, that's what it feels like, that's what I feel like, blah blah blah.

Musicman is very frustrated right now, he does not do weak well. The more he sees me moving and doing the worse it gets. I try to remember when he has an outburst that not only is he dealing with a lot of pain, but it must be very emasculating for him. He is not the type of guy to sit around doing nothing while I run around like a headless chicken. But things have to be that way right now.

We are both feeling the frustration of not being able to be together. It will be 2 weeks tomorrow and that's just way too long for either of us. Of course, we could try, but me moving around too much in the bed causes him pain, so it's not really practical right now. His incisions are not healed yet and between the cath and the surgery he is a giant bruise from his collar bone to his heel, not really play inducing.

I keep telling myself this too will pass and try to remember how grateful I am that we found this in time and fixed it. Sometimes that just isn't enough, I need my big strong husband back, and he needs to be back.

I'm off to clean and do some laundry and fantasize about the day he is well again.

Just A Week Ago

It is very hard to believe that it was just a week ago today I was posting updates from the hospital waiting room as my husband went through surgery, it seems a lifetime ago.

We are not celebrating christmas in a traditional way this year, there are no presents or cookies, no tree or eggnog, no tinsel or wrapping paper. Yet, for me this will be one of the most joyful christmases ever.

I could so easily have lost the most important person in my life. Musicman is not only my husband, he is my best friend, he is my protector, my confidante, my lover. I have spent over half my life with him and fully intend to grow old with him. Now that he is home and improving daily I am sleeping better than I have for quite awhile. My thoughts are clearing some and I have realized just how close I came to not having him with me. I refuse to even consider what my life would be like without him, instead I am going to focus on all the small improvements he is making.

The first sight of him after surgery, laying in the bed in ICU, still unconscious, all the tubes, the worst of which was the ventilator. I thought I was prepared for that, I wasn't. Instead of that image I am going to focus on the insane thought of how happy I was that they didn't shave his beard. I love his beard, the way it feels on my freshly shaved lady parts is devine. The way it gets covered in my juices. I have learned to like the taste of myself on his beard. If I stop for just a second I remember what it feels like to feel the drops fall from his beard onto my body as he moves up to enter me. It's been a week and the hair on his neck that he usually keeps shaved has grown in, I'm looking forward to the day he is strong enough to shave as he has a particular spot on his neck where I love to snuggle and lick and plant little kisses.

Watching him for so many days laying in that hospital bed, too weak to get up on his own. I don't think I can even describe the way it felt the first time he stood on his own and I could look up at him again.  It's the same feeling as when I am on my knees at his feet, his hand in my hair, tugging my head back so he can see my eyes as he comes on my face, oh yes, that's what it feels like. I want that again, and I will have it, in time.

So many nights, just wanting to crawl into that horrible little hospital bed with him, just to be close to him. It wasn't possible, I had to be content with sitting as close to the bed as I could and touching him. The first night home, he was settled in our big waterbed, I didn't know if I should try to lay down with him as he was in so much pain and I didn't want to make it worse. Even in a haze of pain and pain pills, he said, "come lay with me," the sweetest words I've ever heard. I can't yet lay on his chest with his arm around me, my place of ultimate peace, but I will again, in time. I will trace his scar with my tongue, I  love the taste of his skin, I will follow that scar down his chest and continue on until I fill my mouth with him. If I stop for just a second I remember what it feels like to feel him pushing down my throat as he fucks my face just the way I like.

I have often told my husband living with him is like living with an octopus. He is all hands, constantly touching me, caressing me. A swat on my butt as I'm bent over the dishwasher, or a squeeze on my breast as I walk past him. I don't think I even realized how much I missed his touch, until he sat next to me on the lounge in our room yesterday and just caressed my leg, the gentle touch of his hand tracing the curve of my bottom as I bent over to retrieve something that had been dropped. This morning, him, sitting on the edge of our bed with his arms open, beckoning me to walk in to them. I have that again and don't have to wait. Those small gestures will hold me for a time while he recovers.

We may not be celebrating a traditional christmas, but we will rejoice in the small gestures that mean so much and hold the promise of more.

One More Night

It looks like one more night alone for me. I tried my best to get the doctor to let Musicman come home today, like they told us, but no go. They are concerned that his oxygen saturation dips too low with activity. It took me pointing out that putting the monitor for it on his finger may not be very accurate. I was right, but they still wouldn't change there minds.

Musicman makes his living with his hands, and he plays guitar, he has calluses on his calluses. For highly educated people they missed the obvious. Frustrating, but nothing more I can do about it, except wait one more night.

I am looking forward to him being home for many reasons. First and foremost I miss him. At the best of times I don't sleep well, when I'm stressed I don't sleep at all. I am not used to sleeping alone, add to that the stress of all this and forget it, it's just not happening, unless I'm totally physically exhausted. Oh well, this too shall pass.

The second reason is a lot more fun. The doctors have told us that given the physicality of his job it will be three months before he can go back to work. It will take that long for the bone to heal totally. Yes folks, 3 whole months home with my honey, ALL ALONE.  Between school and work our son is gone for 12 hours everyday. Hmmm...wonder what we can do to keep ourselves occupied?

With him not working, money is going to be tight, so no frivolous spending, which leaves out going anywhere that cost anything. The weather here for the next 3 months is prime snow time, so no going outside.

He will have to keep busy, as he doesn't do well when he is not productive, and the exercise is important for his recovery. One of the areas he is going to have to work on is getting his arm strength back and the range of motion in his shoulders is impaired right now which will need to be addressed. I have a therapy background and have already thought of a few ways to get that range of motion in his shoulders as well as the arm strength back. Any guesses what I might be referring too?

We had to attend a discharge class today, they reviewed what we can expect over the next few months and any activity restrictions. They gave us a book and it says sexual activity can be resumed immediately. I almost bit my tongue off when the nurse teaching the class said that must have been written by a man. I beg to differ, but didn't as I didn't want to embarass Musicman. It was so hard not to laugh at her when she mentioned we might need to try different positions due to the incision and the healing sternum. Her face was a red as the stripe on a candy cane. If she only knew. Of course I don't think that we are going to be swinging from the chandelier anytime soon, but personally I have never needed a reason to try different positions. I'm certain we can figure it out, and hey if at first we don't succeed, we will try, try again.

In fact, I promised Musicman before he went in to surgery that once he was better I would teach him wicked things. Now I just have to learn some wicked things, lol. Anyone have any suggestions?

Do I Really Need A Title?

Where to begin?

Musicman is doing better today.

All the tubes are gone. . .  Score.
The pain is getting better. . .Score.
He is moving idependently, mostly...Score.
I slept last night. . .Huge Score.

He isn't eating. . .No score.
Blood sugars are still high. . .I might have to give him shots and I'm can't look at needles...no score.

Issues with his transplant doctor who was called in due to minor complications.  I AM GOING TO SERIOUSLY HURT THE MAN.  If the complications become more then minor my next need is going to be bail money.

I can be a real serious Bitch when I need to and nobody fucks with my family. Right now I am in full on Bitch mode. The armor is fitting very well, and it's inpenetrable.

I stocked up on groceries today, I cleaned my home, every dish in the cabinet where they belong. My last load of laundry is in the dryer and will be folded and put away soon. I have chicken soup cooking in the crock pot.

Tomorrow when I get up I will go to the hospital, at this point my car can drive itself there. Unless something drastic happens I'm not leaving alone. I'm bringing my Musicman home. The healing has begun.

I'm so lonely, I miss him so much. He is starting to come back to me. We have been here before. I know what to do for him, I know what he needs, and I will very happily give it to him. I just need him to come home. I can face the world when he stands next to me, and I can win. I can feel euphoria in his arms.