This past week has been a very long, emotional one. Not just for me either. Musicman is extremely unhappy with what is going on with our daughter and granddaughter.
Our daughter often says she wants a man just like her dad. I totally agree with her. He's pretty magnificent and she should want someone just like him. It pisses me off to hear her say this, because it is a total insult to her dad, my Musicman.
The problem: she thinks she has that and she really doesn't. There is no way in hell, that her man,(a term I use very loosely) is anything at all like her dad. Honestly, he's a user and a loser. I see it, but she doesn't, not yet anyway.
So, given that fact, things blew up here pretty bad. For once, it wasn't me being the one to lose control. It takes a lot to make Musicman blow up that way, but it did happen.
I had thought, early on in the week, to offer myself up for his use, as a way to defray the tension. Unfortunately, there was no privacy to be had, so it didn't happen. Yeah, I paid for that the next morning, when he totally lost it. His words and actions weren't aimed at me, but sometimes it's just too difficult to duck. I caught the fallout. Whether I wanted it or not, there it was, in all it's ugliness.
I know, because he's told me, I shouldn't take it personally. I shouldn't let it hurt me. This is not a reflection on me. I do understand that, but guess what? I'm not so good at that. I fought, hard. Not to take it personally. Not to let it hurt me.
I failed. I can understand the not taking it personally. I can't get past the not letting it hurt me. Seeing him hurting and in pain, always causes me pain. I started that dreaded spiral of emotions, driven by hormones. A ride I always want to exit, but never seems to end.
Lessons learned. I should have just knelt before him, offering him a paddle, or in the absence of privacy, the cane. The physical pain would have been so much less and so much more desirable than the emotional pain that was experienced.
Damn. I hate this learning lesson's thing that life likes to throw at me. Next time...I'll know better.