How?

I need to write. I am feeling so overwhelmed. Yet, what I really want to say is not fit for print. I'm pissed. I'm tired of putting my life on hold. I want to shout, "this is not what I signed up for."

I struggle with the notion that this is not where I am meant to be. I have lived for the last 28 years as a submissive wife. Oh no, I'm not talking about the kinky sex kind of submissive. I'm talking about the day to day, he makes the decisions and I live by them kind of life. The kinky sex was just a side benefit, when he chose to take advantage of it.

That kind of life can be extremely fulfilling, and, it can totally suck, big time. I believed, in the beginning, that he knew best, that he could, and would, give me the life I dreamed of. He did that, for awhile.

Then time passed, other things became more important to him than me. I tried, I tried very hard to make things better. I offered him things I previously could never have imagined offering anyone. He didn't appreciate it.

He works hard, he thinks he is fulfilling my needs. Yet, he hasn't really listened, he doesn't really understand my needs. If you don't understand what is required, how can you possibly meet those expectations?

It's not that I haven't communicated to him. I have, in every way I know how. I have come to the conclusion that he just doesn't pay attention, cause what I need, isn't what he wants to provide. He seems to think that is okay.

At one time, in our past, it might have been okay. But, now? Now, it's no longer okay. I acutely feel the passing of time. I no longer want to put off fulfilling my own needs for everyone else's. I'm so done taking care of and providing for, everyone else's happiness. This is supposed to be my time. I've worked hard, I've earned this, I deserve to be put first.

Yet, he seems incapable of providing that for me. He would much rather spend his time elsewhere, with people other than me. I don't actually blame him for that, I'm not necessarily an easy woman to live with, I get that.

There was a time, when I thought I was worth all the hard work, because I gave back more than what I received. I no longer feel that way. Now, now I feel like I am the only one giving, and there are so many people taking.

I have told him, over and over, I am not that strong, I have nothing left to give. Either he doesn't hear me, or he does what he thinks he needs to do to placate me for the moment. I'm so tired of being the person that needs placating. I want so much more from my life than just existing from moment to moment.

I know, this isn't what I want for my life, yet, after all these years, how do I move on?

A Faerie Wish

Snow, snow, please go away,
I'm so tired of long, grey, melancholy days.

Don't you know,
didn't you get the memo?

I'm a sunshine and beach kinda girl.

A vacation would be divine,
I long for sand between my toes as I recline.

No crying babies or ringing phones,
no dirty dishes or soiled clothes.

No meals to plan or floors to sweep,
just lounging in the sun,
soaking up the heat until I fall asleep.

Floppy sunhats and flowing dresses the uniform of the day,
skipping rocks and hunting seashells all day.

Or, failing all that,
a good beating will always work.

This is my faerie wish for the day.

Just a Bit of Fun

I follow more than one BDSM/kink page on facebook. They post interesting pics and informative content. I found the following list of questions and thought it would be fun to share. Please feel free to answer and share. I think everyone will enjoy and it may even give you something to think about.

 

 

26 Sex Questions (aka Sextions) to liberate your mind and fuel our libido's.

A. Have you ever had sex in three or more positions in one session? Yes

 B. Have you ever had sex continuously for more than an hour? Yes

C. Have you ever devoted an entire day to sex and sexual activity (with breaks for eating, etc)?... Yes

D. Have you ever been so loud having sex that housemates/neighbors commented or complained? Yes

E. Have you ever had your sexual technique/style/skill openly praised by someone? Yes

F. Have you ever written an explicitly erotic story? Yes

G. Have you ever brought your partner to orgasm using only your hands? Yes

H. Have you ever licked or sucked on someone else’s feet and/or toes? Yes, but...ewwww, not my thing.

I. Have you ever had sex with someone you’re not in a relationship with? Yes, many times.

J. Have you ever had sex simultaneously with two or more people? No, but maybe someday.

K. Have you ever had anal sex? Yes

L. Have you ever gone out in public while wearing an anal plug? No, but would love to do that.

M. Have you ever gotten really turned on by saying or hearing dirty talk? Yes

N. Have you ever realized that you are much more sexually open-minded/kinky than most of your previous partners and/or friends? Uhhh...ya think?

O. Have you ever been part of an S/M roleplay (master/mistress/slave), domination (as the dominant/submissive part), or being victim of pain (such as whipping, caning, hot wax on genitals, nippleclamps/genital clamps etc.)? Well, of course I have.

P. Have you ever fantasized about or practiced orgasm control/denial? No, it holds no interest for me.

Q. Have you ever tried scissoring? Nope, and doubt I ever will.

R. Have you ever performed or received oral sex from a man? Oh yeah!!!!!

S. Have you ever performed or received oral sex from a woman? No and have no interest in doing so.

T. How old were you the first time you had sex? Hmmmm...consensual sex? 14. Non consensual, way to early to be comfortable with.

U. How many sexual partners have you had? Too many to reliably count.

V. Have you ever practiced BDSM on yourself (bondage, nipple clamps, hot wax, et cetera)? No, never even thought about it.

W. Have you ever had sex in front of other people? No, but the idea is a huge turn on.

X. Have you ever had a crush on a fellow blogger? No

Y. Have you ever had an orgasm without any direct stimulation (not counting dreams)? Yes.

Z. Do you like being called dirty names during sex? Yep.

 

 

And to end...something that resonates with me.

 

 

 

 

Privacy is a Rare but Wonderful Thing

We finally had some private time last weekend. It was deliciously wonderful.

I've so missed the butterflies that always appear in my tummy when I know a spanking is imminent. They came roaring back as soon as we realized we were actually home alone. I used to think how silly I was about the nerves causing the fluttering in my belly. Now, I think how lucky I am that at this point in my life and in our relationship I can still react that way to our time alone.

Musicman was hard and ready before we even started, he said it was from thinking about all the implements he was going to use to spank me with. It's so nice to know he misses it as much as I do. He chose the magic paddle to begin with. That thing can pack quite the thud and the sting, and I wondered if after so long I would be able to handle it. I refrained from voicing my concerns instead I just chose to remind him that it had been quite some time since I had been spanked.

He took a little bit of pity on me and let me keep the thin silk shorts I was wearing on for the first couple swats. I suppose that is his idea of a warm up, cause he rarely ever spanks over clothes. The shorts certainly didn't provide much protection and they didn't stay on for long, but it was all good.

The magic paddle was followed by the leather strap. Mmmm...despite my early on fear of anything even resembling a belt, I have come to love the feel of leather vigorously applied to my behind. The combination of wood, followed by leather and the length of time since my last spanking and I was flying pretty quickly. It still absolutely amazes me that he can make me come from just a spanking. It was the first of many orgasms for me that night and they all felt like a grand homecoming.

I can't really recall all the details, they kind of melt together and when I try to recall them, all I can come up with are the feelings of satisfaction and fulfillment that come with multiple orgasms. Oh how I've missed that. I do remember laying on the bed afterwards, bones turned to jelly, gasping for air and most likely a very silly grin on my face.

After some recovery time he chose a video for us to watch, a spanking video, which is rare for him. It wasn't too bad, though not too heavy on the spanking part and more emphasis on the sex part. I've said before, I'm not a huge fan of porn, but he is, so I watch. Usually I am critiquing it in my head, but this one featured enough interesting and different positions that when I wasn't laughing it was kind of fun to watch.

I would love to say we tried out some of those wild positions, but I honestly don't remember. I'm sure if we did, they were some of the tamer ones. The out there ones are just not possible for me with this old body and I certainly don't want to risk being dropped on my head. Yep, there was a position in the movie where that was a very real possibility.

At some point during our romps he actually said the words most of us subs crave to hear. He called me his good girl. I don't remember if it was that night or the next morning, cause yep, morning sex was on the menu too. I'm almost positive that is the first time he has ever said that to me and oh how I loved hearing it.

So, despite how trying the end of last week was, the weekend more than made up for it. Now, I just hope it isn't another three months before it occurs again, cause a weekend like that makes me think about all the wonderful things we could do again and some new things we have yet to try.

At Any Given Moment

At any given moment. That phrase keeps running through my mind. My weekend has been an entire series of "any given moments."

Friday dawned sunny and surprisingly warm. I was tired, but was also off to work. I knew once I got there, things would be okay. I love my job, it can be physically exhausting, but it feeds my soul and makes me happy.

Mid day arrives, attitude and energy are positive. I have dared to think of the possibilities presenting themselves in just a few hours hence. Anticipating the luxury of an empty home, which, at this moment, appeared to be a very real possibility.

Until...

Until the phone rang. Until I was faced with an issue I was unprepared to deal with. I'm fairly certain my children are actively employing a strategy to drive me insane. Musicman would most likely say that would be a short drive, but that's a story for another day. Once I got off the phone and realized I needed to do something, my only thought was to call Musicman. He would know exactly what to do. So, that's what I did.

He did know what to do and told me very clearly what he wanted me to do until he could get to me to handle the situation. I think he must have broken several speed limits to get to me, because he got home in record time. He handled the immediate situation and spent some time helping me calm down. I wish I could say he did that with a spanking, but it wasn't to be as we weren't alone. Once he was assured I was okay he went back to work, knowing that further discussion and a long term solution was needed.

That conversation took place later that evening. He listened to everything I had to say, even though I'm sure I was repeating myself unnecessarily. We did come to an agreement on how we would address the situation to prevent it from happening again. Unfortunately, in the course of the discussion I managed to get myself worked into a frenzy. I was a hysterical mess, shaking and crying and absolutely unable to calm myself.

We had a house full of people so anything remotely intimate, which would have been effective, was out of the question. Instead he laid on the bed with me, pulled me onto his chest and just held me. He occasionally reminded me to breathe and that I was safe. I was exhausted and felt as if the tears would never stop. He just continued to hold me and stroke my head and whisper loving things to me. Eventually I fell asleep lying on his chest with his arms around me. At that given moment, he gave me everything I needed.

I've always thought if you want to know the secret to how couples stay happy and together, don't look at what they do during the good times, anyone can be happy during the good times. Instead, look at what they do during the bad times, that is the predictor of happiness in a relationship. Musicman did exactly what I needed him to do, even though I could not have told him, if asked, exactly what it was I needed.  Once again, I'm left with the feeling that I can handle any situation as long as he is by my side.

PK asked, I answer and Something Extra

PK asked a question that set me all a tingle and quite frankly made me a bit nervous.

She asked: Would you two ever consider attending a spanking party that people host at different locations around the country?  My reaction on reading this question was, Oh yeah! I haven't said much about it before, but I definitely have a bit of an exhibitionist in me. The idea of some one actually watching us play is a turn on for me. I wouldn't want it to be too large of a crowd, but a few would be okay. At least in theory, in my mind, it is a turn on. In real life, I 'm not so sure I could actually do it.

I do admit to greatly enjoying the fact that I can turn heads just by walking into a room and usually stand out in a crowd. This is not because I am a super model look alike, I'm definitely not, though I am tall for a lady, which helps some. I also have a habit of dressing a little differently than most women. It is not unusual for me to be the only woman at a gathering wearing a skirt, that alone makes me stand out. All that aside, I think the real reason people notice me is because I carry myself with a certain confidence that is hard to ignore. I don't really know where that comes from, it has always just been a part of who I am. More than once I have been accused of being too confident and intimidating. I ignore those people, just because they are insecure does not mean I should hide my light under a barrel to make them feel more comfortable.

Musicman however, is a totally different story. He would never even consider attending something like a spanking party. He is an extremely antisocial man. Or, as he puts it, he just doesn't like people. Getting him to attend any kind of party, can be like pulling teeth.

Also, he is a very possessive man. He does not at all like the fact that people notice me when we are out. It is something that used to cause problems for us way back at the beginning. Now, I have learned to tone it down some, not too much, but enough to not cause him to become upset. Believe me when I say, he lets me know if I am coming close to crossing the line.

This is not a question, but, our friend Terpsichore has been doing a lovely series about gratitude. She worked her way through the alphabet and those posts never failed to put a smile on my face and remind me all that I have to be grateful for. I was a bit worried when she got to the end of the alphabet, because I didn't want them to end. She has presented a new twist on it and I thought I would give it a shot.

This is what she said:
Each week I am going to ask a question or suggest an activity. Feel free to play along on your own blog, in comments, in an email to me which I can share for you...or just do the activity for yourself at home. There are no rules. Just to take a moment to think of what we have to be grateful for and to enjoy that moment.

----

 

What was the last thing you were grateful for before you went to sleep and the first thing you were grateful for when you woke up in the morning?

 

I can honestly say I don't remember what the last thing I was thinking about last night, but there is something that I have been extremely grateful for lately. That thing is our Grandbaby. She is 6 months old now and a while I don't like the lack of privacy that comes with having her and her family living with us, she is just a delight to have around, for both of us. During these last few months that Musicman has been struggling, she has never failed to put a smile on his face. Some evenings, when he seemed most stressed, I would go high jack her from her parents, so he could spend time with her. There have been plenty of times over the last few months that I have wanted to be able to provide him with some relief and just haven't known how. Her existence brings a special light to his eyes. I may not be able to do that for him right now, but I am eternally grateful that there is someone in his life that can.

 

The first thing I was grateful for this morning was, Musicman. The weather here has been dreadful most of the winter. I have been able to spend many a morning, snuggled up in the warmth of our bed while Musicman has had to get up and go to work. I am so grateful for everything he does for me, for us and our family, that has allowed me this luxury. For so many years I was the first one up and out the door to go to work. It has only been the last few years, since I gave up my full time job, that I have been able to do this. I was only able to give up my full time job and spend time at home, doing things I might enjoy doing, like sleeping in on a frigid winter day, because of him and how hard he works to provide for us. It's truly one of the best gifts he has ever given me and I don't thank him enough for that. Thank you honey, I love you so much and appreciate everything you put yourself through for me.

 

 

 

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Maybe, finally, a small glimpse of hope is springing through. After several months of trying to negotiate this issue we have been dealing with and usually failing miserably, I am beginning to see a glimmer of light at the end of the tunnel. Out of options and in a desperate attempt at self preservation I pulled way back from any expectations.

That hasn't been easy for me. It's been incredibly lonely and somewhat depressing for me. I miss him and the small daily interactions that mean so much to me. I often questioned if it was the right move to make, but reality is, I didn't see any other choice. Musicman has been overwhelmed with the stress of this issue and didn't need me adding to it.

Every time an opportunity was missed, I felt just a bit more broken, a bit farther away from where I wanted to be. I did my best to maintain my submission without any sign of dominance from him. It wasn't easy and I haven't always succeeded, but I was determined. I felt if I could just hang in there and be actively supportive, in a way that was beneficial to him, he would come back to me.

During this time he has not just been moping around, stressed out and doing nothing. He has pursued many options, both large and small, to alleviate the situation. Some things have worked, to a degree, others have just not panned out for us. I think we have finally found something that will put us, and him, on a more even keel. Something that will relieve his stress in a way that will allow him to stop focusing solely on this issue and remember that I am here and waiting for him.

I saw a glimmer of that last night. Privacy continues to be an issue, but we were alone for hours last night. Not much happened, much to my chagrin, I doubt he even realized that fact. But, a few swats and a request from him is better than what I have been getting. It gives me hope that maybe this issue will soon be resolved and we can start moving on with our lives. We can start focusing on us again, on occasion, and work our way forward to a good place again.

I admit, I'm a little hesitant to let that hope bloom, for fear of disappointment, but everyone has to have hope, don't they? It's literally been months since any kind of spanking, other than a few light ones with the coat hanger, have occurred. I would say I am in desperate need of something epic, a real multiple implement spanking and all the wonderful activities that follow. It would be so easy to let my hopes grow and blossom into anticipation. I'm going to tamp that feeling down though, cause while it's good to have expectations, I'm not entirely sure it's the right time, yet.

He's showing signs of pulling out of this haze he has been lost in and if I can just be patient a bit longer, he will come back and then we both win.

Thanks to everyone for the great questions. They have been a lot of fun to answer and have given me a much needed distraction. I am off to work today, through a blizzard I might add, but I will get to unanswered comments and the rest of the questions soon.