Two Years and One Full Circle

Two years ago, after lurking in this community for about a year, I took the plunge and started this blog. It has been the only time in my life I have successfully kept any kind of journal. I've started many of them over the years, but very quickly lost interest.

I think the main reason I have not lost interest this time, or been able to stop writing, though I tried a few times, is you. My readers. I don't write for you, but the energy I receive from you has been invaluable to me.

I've made friends. I've felt, for once in my life, like I actually fit it in somewhere. I've learned so much about myself and in some smaller way about Musicman. I've shared secrets that I haven't ever felt comfortable sharing in my real life. I've received immeasurable support when facing unimaginable challenges. You just don't get that from a simple journal.

You have celebrated with me when things are going well. You have cried with me when things aren't going so well. You have sent me healing energy and strength to face what ever lay ahead of me. Many of you have prayed for me. Thank you.

As I look back over these two years I feel like I have come full circle. I started out struggling to figure out exactly what it is I wanted and needed. Then I struggled with overcoming my embarrassment of what I needed and wanted and how to communicate those things to Musicman.

Having this blog helped with that too, since he always reads everything I write. He rarely ever comments on any of it, but when appropriate, he does take action. Him being able to have this small peek into my brain definitely helped us get to a really great place.

Having this place to come to and get it all out has saved my sanity, or at least what's left of it as everything we achieved fell apart. That is where we seem to be now, back at square one. Some of that is through no fault of our own and some of it is.

I have no idea where we go from here. I know I want it all back, but going back is impossible. We could work on rebuilding what we had. Someday, we just might do that, but for now it doesn't seem to be a priority, for either of us.

That's not necessarily a good thing, because when I am able to be my true submissive self is when I am most happy. I want to be happy again. I want to be his "little faerie" again. I just don't seem to be able to find the strength or a good place to start. Maybe I will find that strength along with the answers I need here, in this blog.

Someday

A look in the mirror.

What do I see?

 

A sea of silver,

 whitecaps crashing upon the shore.

 

Knowledge?

Experience?

 

Neither count.

Neither can be prepared for.

 

Innocence lost.

Innocence found.

 

Innocence be damned.

I will survive.

 

I will keep my head up,

I will walk tall,

I will survive.

 

Time may steal from me,

 innocence.

 

I have craved,

I have yearned,

I have yet to experience.

 

Is it to much to wish?

 

Someday?

 

Someday,

I may experience,

 innocence.

 

Oh,

what a day that will be.

 

 

Apologies, Thank You's and Some Clarity

I rarely ever do this, write a post instead of responding to my comments. It's just been such a long week and so much is going on. Sorry, but I hope you will bear with me this one time.

First, I'd like to thank all of you for the birthday wishes. It was one of the worst birthdays in recent memory, but ya'll did make me feel so much better. Thank you.

I've read and re-read all the comments and most all of you have said I need to stop picking up the pieces. I need to let my kids figure out things for themselves. I couldn't agree more. If it was just a matter of stepping back and watching my adult children struggle to figure things out on their own, I would. It wouldn't be easy, but few things in life worth having are easy.

There is one very important reason why I feel I can't step back and let them learn for themselves. My 6 week old granddaughter. While I can't go into specifics, things with my daughter are not going well and my granddaughter is the one suffering because of it. That is something I can not and will not tolerate.

My daughter crossed a line, a line I had specifically told her would have serious consequences if she crossed it. Apparently she either didn't take me seriously, or didn't care, either way, she crossed it. Though it broke my heart to do, I laid down the law and enforced the consequences. Or at least, I tried to.

Musicman, much to my dismay, negated the consequences. That caused a huge rift between us. A rift big enough that I was fully prepared to leave him. I didn't want to do that. I love him more than life itself, but there are certain things I will NEVER compromise on. And, may I just say, he has always known what those things are.

I really am not a drama queen. I do not make idle threats. I took my marital vows seriously and leaving has never been an option for me. Having stated all that, I was extremely serious about leaving. That is how serious I feel this situation is. If he is not going to back me in what needs to be done, then I'm gone.

One of the things I have known, for quite a long time, is that while Musicman and I always seem to have the same end goal, we never take the same path to get there. Most of the time, that's a good thing. He takes his path, sees and considers the things I miss and vice versa. Usually, we are able to meet in the middle, consider both paths and make the best decision for our kids.

That is what we have been working on this week. It has been beyond difficult. I know I have been overly emotional and he has done what he typically does when stressed. He closes down and shuts me out. Communication breaks down and we get nowhere fast.

We both have worked very hard to get those reactions under control and effectively communicate with each other. I've had to push him, but he has been doing his best to communicate his views to me. I've had to suppress and control some very volatile emotions, but it has been worth it to get to the end goal.

Do we have a good answer as to what to do? Do we know exactly what needs to be done to remedy the situation with our daughter and granddaughter? Not really, but we are communicating. We have had many, many conversations about this. We do each understand the others point of view and approach to the situation. We are working together, we have a tentative game plan.

Wish us luck, we are going to need it. Our daughter is about to get handed a major dose of tough love. She will have choices to make and if she makes the wrong choice, we could lose all contact with her and our beautiful little granddaughter. That will break our hearts more than we can fathom, but we see no other acceptable choice.

Bittersweet

My mind is so crowded with thoughts. A huge tangle of things, so intertwined, I can not find the beginning, nor conceive the end. I hate when that happens.

This is my birthday weekend. I should be celebrating, or at least receiving a birthday spanking. I did neither. There are so many reasons why that is. 

Recent events have made celebrating my birthday so bittersweet. I will officially turn 49 tomorrow. It is the first time in 40 years I have celebrated without my brother. His birthday was yesterday. Had he not lost his valiant battle against cancer just 2 1/2 months ago, he would have turned 40.

We rarely had the opportunity to celebrate together, in fact, we did only once in our adult lives. His choice to defend our country, in service to the Navy, always kept us apart, but it never let us forget that rare bond. Now, instead of sending birthday wishes, along with my love, across the miles, I send them to heaven. Still such a bizarre concept for me.

Yesterday was a day of many tears and so many regrets. A day when I realized I should have done so many things differently. Unfortunately, there is no going back, no reset, no redo. I try so hard to live my life without regrets. I have no idea how to deal with the ones I associate with the loss of my brother. We all so naively thought we would have the time to do the things we talked about.  How wrong we were.

That lesson is what makes everything else going on in my life so much harder to accept.

In order to survive, I've had to set aside, once again, my own wants and needs, in order to accommodate others wants and needs. I just can not live as a submissive, despite the fact that it feels so very natural for me.

It seems they all need me, to organize, direct, provide and protect. I'm more than capable of doing that, but I find it's a lonely walk for me. It's a well worn path, yet, one I no longer wish to take. Though, I see no other viable choices at the moment.

Since standing still has never been an option for me, I  continue on the journey. I have taken the lead. I instruct, comfort, and give, until it feels as if I have nothing left to offer. When that occurs, I suck it up and offer more. I don't know any other way.

The worst part is that none of them actually listen to me. They ask for advice, then they go and do what they want. When it fails, as it inevitably does, because they have no respect for me or my opinion, they turn to me to pick up the pieces.

Musicman has taken refuge in hiding. He's faded into the background, not heard from until I demand he stand up and do something. Even then, his participation in the day to day challenges, is sketchy.  I no longer feel that I can rely on him to provide the support I need to deal with everything going on.

He did make a half hearted attempt. We actually found ourselves alone in the house. I suppose I should feel grateful that he noticed. I suppose I should be grateful he pulled himself away from his football game for 20 minutes.

I know I'm supposed to enthusiastically embrace the spanking he deigned to give. It was nice, but I needed so much more. In my mind, it was not the celebratory birthday spanking I craved. In my mind, it was much too short, just a stress relief spanking. It would have worked too, had he not promptly jumped up afterwards, complaining of some insignificant ache and declaring, " I should not have done that."

Well...thank you very much. Next time...don't bother. I can do this on my own. And, I can do it better.

Yes, he should be worried, so should my kids, cause I'm about done. You see, I've learned a hard lesson. I've learned that it doesn't pay to put off the things I want from this life in order to aide people who don't have any respect or appreciation for what I do for them. I'm done. I'm just done.

You would think by now that they would know better than to piss off a faerie. Apparently they don't. Time for me to step up and show them the reality and the consequences of their actions. And there ain't  gonna be a damn thing submissive about it.

The Storm at the End of a Perfect Day.

Fair warning: this post is so far from topic. I just need some place to vent. If you're not interested, that's totally fine, feel free to browse the blogroll. It needs updated, but still has many relevant writers.

I think I'm in a bit of shock. I know, I'm way too old and way too wise, to have to deal with this kind of issue. And yet, I see the irony of it all. I wonder, did I invite this?

Growing up as a victim of abuse, of all kinds, I was always determined that would not happen to my kids. I protected them, I educated them, on how to protect themselves.

I did not do any of this alone. Musicman was always there. He stood up as a great example to our daughter, of what she should want in a man. I know he succeeded, because she's told me all she wants, is a man like her father. I don't think she has achieved that yet, but that's a different story.

He stood up as a great example to our son and provided a perfect model for a what man should be. He taught him the basics, that seem to be so often overlooked these days. He taught him, by example, you take care of your lady. You provide for and protect your lady. He taught him to be the man and always be the one in control of any given situation.

Our son has taken those lessons to heart. He's grown into an honorable man. He's been with his girlfriend for a couple years. She's a smart young lady and has in many ways, been a good influence on our son. I like her a lot, she reminds me some of a younger me.

She and I usually get along quite well and talk about everything, including birth control, because I know she is having sex with our son. I'm not really the warm, fuzzy kinda mom. I'm much more the mom that's gonna tell you the cold hard facts about life and what to do to survive.

My son has understood that about me and confided in me, about his relationship with his GF. It's been volatile. Not on his part, but on her's. She has rage issues. This is something I have talked extensively about, with both of them. Clearly, she has been hurt. Both of us love her and want to help her. That's what makes what happens next so hard to accept.

Our day started off so nice. We took a day trip, something we love to do, but haven't really had much time for. It was a wonderful day of strolling around, indulging ourselves and just in general relaxing and enjoying each other. We even sang along together in the car. I know, such a silly thing, yet something I love so much.

Many hours, many miles and many pics later we arrived home. Of course, it was a full house. Daughter, grandbaby and baby daddy, all present and accounted for. Son and girlfriend? Check, they're home too.

Musicman had errands to run. He leaves, despite the fact that ominous sounds are coming from our son's room.  They're fighting, nothing new there. We both know that our son would never get physical with his girlfriend, nothing bad is gonna happen. Yeah, we so underestimated that.

I don't think either one of us could have conceived that our son would be a victim. While Musicman was gone, the fight escalated. That beautiful, hurt, little girl, in a rage, pulled a knife. Our son was stabbed.

That's when shit becomes very, very real. Blood everywhere. Trying to separate and de-escalate the situation. Have I mentioned recently, that I'm an older lady, don't really want to have to jump in between two young things determined to kill each other. Yet, have no choice, other than to stop it, cause I ain't burying either one of them.

Yeah, at that moment in time, life totally sucks. Instinct kicks in. Orders get issued. I did have to call in reinforcements. I couldn't control my son by myself. He's taller than me, he's thin, lanky, all muscle. Way too much for me to handle, while trying to contain her at the same time.

Cops came to my home, the ambulance came to my home. The local freaking news came to my home. Our son went to the ER, while his girlfriend went to jail. I spent the evening cleaning the blood out of my home.

I always thought about the need to protect my daughter from domestic violence. I never thought my son would be a victim. Damn, that pisses me off.

Ch...Ch...Ch...Changes

Something's changed.

Something is different.

It's not just the fact that we have very little privacy.

It's something that goes deeper than that.

It's taken me awhile, and many, many thoughts, to figure out what it is, but, I finally did figure it out. Sorta.

What has changed, is the fact that I am once again the one in control. I'm the one leading. The one orchestrating everything, so that everyone is happy and fulfilled. Everyone that is, except me.

I've always been a very strong, dominant woman. I'm confident to the point of intimidation. I'm self assured and strong in my decisions. I have no problems stepping up to lead. There is some personal satisfaction to be gained for me.

The problem is, I don't actually want personal satisfaction. I don't want to lead, the personal satisfaction is not enough for me. I want the deeper fulfillment. That comes for me, with submission.

I need to know, that while I'm being strong, confident and in charge some one will step up and say, " It's okay, I've got your back. I'm here and I will not only care for you, I will take care of you."

You see, that is the first thing that goes by the wayside. He cares for me, but he doesn't take care OF me. There is a big difference in the two, at least for me.

When I'm in dominant mode, I provide, protect and care for everyone else. I make sure that every one's needs are met. The problem emerges when I fail to provide, protect and care for myself. That's an area I've always lacked in.

That's an area where I want, need and desire him to step in. I crave the dominance that makes me feel taken care of. For a woman who truly believes she can take on the world and win, realizing that I suck in caring for myself isn't all that easy. Admitting it and asking for help is darn near impossible.

At first, I thought I would be able to define what that looked liked. His Dominance. I soon learned otherwise. I learned that no matter what I really wanted, he was only willing to give so much. I learned to accept that for him, my strong need for dominance, was just a sexual game. Yes, I wanted more, but, I accepted that he would never give me more.

I did my best to adjust and achieved some small semblance of submission. It was enough to please him. So, I did my best to accept and embrace what he was willing to give. I told myself that it was the reality of being a submissive. I mentally talked myself into believing it was enough.

For awhile, it was enough. For awhile, I was quite happy with the way things were progressing. I could feel him embracing and becoming comfortable with the enhanced amount of Dominance I had asked for. He often surprised me with the things he wanted to do. Recognizing how he manipulated and used me was both surprising and exhilirating.

I was becoming much more acclimated and accepting of the things he proposed. I thrived, soon wanting to go deeper. I wanted to explore. I trusted. I wanted more than I can even define.

Then things began to change. Things began to fall apart. Everything we had, fell by the wayside. The focus of our lives changed, despite the fact that I fought against it. I fought to hang on to that small semblance of a D/s lifestyle. I fought to hang on to, and be the person, that feels so natural for me.

Now, even that is gone. I'm left floundering. Trying my best to stand up, be the leader they all need. I suppress the wants and needs that threaten to overwhelm me. I'm too tired to fight and/or push for what I want at the moment. Honestly, I have no idea what that might be. That makes me sad.

 

When I just need his ear.

As a dominant male Musicman's primary duty is to protect and provide. He made that very clear to me from the very beginning. Yes, I know, technically protect and provide are two things, but they are of equal importance to him so they count as one.

When ever something happens that upsets me, he feels it is his duty to fix that thing for me. The problem arises when something happens that he can't fix. He would like to think he is superman and can fix everything for me. I believe he is superman, but I also know there are just some things he can't fix. Or can he? That depends on how you define fixing things.

When I've had a frustrating day at work, I often come home and vent to Musicman. When the kids and the animals are jumping on my last nerve, it helps to have him to vent too. That used to frustrate him quite a bit. Not because he didn't want to listen, but because he wanted to fix the situation for me, but he couldn't.

It took many conversations and probably just as many arguments, to figure out why he would become so upset when I vented. It frustrated him that he couldn't protect me from the things that were upsetting me. It frustrated him that he couldn't fix things for me.

For awhile, I would tell him, I don't need you to fix this for me, I just need you to listen. That helped some, but not as much as either of us liked. It still caused him frustration, because to him it felt like he wasn't doing his number one job, protecting and providing for me. He would offer advice on how he would handle the situation, but that often wasn't helpful for me.

As a woman I can not employ the same techniques for dealing with people as he does. Let me give you an example: once when a co-worker annoyed Musicman, he grabbed him by the throat and jacked him up against a wall. His other co-workers pulled him off and the man escaped with his life, but never bothered him again. Obviously, that is not something I can easily do, even if I sometimes want too.

I finally realized that him listening when I vented was important enough to me that it did qualify as fixing things for me. Did it really fix the situation? No, but it helps to dissipate the frustration and anger I am feeling at the moment. It allows me to be calm enough to hear him and his suggestions, which rarely ever include physical violence anymore.

Once I understood that, I explained to him how important it was to me that he be a safe haven. An outlet to safely express my anger and frustration. I explained to him that in being that safe haven for me, he really was fixing things for me.

There has been a recent progression in this area. I still have the luxury of venting to him about things, but some times I have a hard time knowing when it is enough already. I sorta get stuck in an endless loop. It is no longer a way for me to blow off  the stress, instead it starts to ramp me up and I become more and more upset. Not pleasant for him and no longer productive for me. When that happens he recognizes it and plainly and simply tells me to stop. That's all he has to say, STOP, with that certain authority in his voice. It always seems to work too. I stop and I feel better.