It's been awhile

It's been awhile.  So much has changed.

I finally got a decision, I'm officially retired.

In actuality, I'm broken, disabled is the title they've given me. I find it quite ironic that I spent 38 years as a professional caregiver and now I struggle to take care of myself .

Things with Musicman have continued to be difficult. More than once I've wished I didn't believe him when he said he missed me and he realized he made a mistake in not putting  me first.  I've  seriously wished I never let him move here. I've always tried to live my life without regrets, he makes that very hard to do.

I have been very happy living with my brother and T, Musicman, not so much. I  finally got everything settled and found the perfect place for us to live.

Despite the fact that Musicman was the one who wanted so desperately to get our own place, he did almost nothing to help with the move.  It's been extremely taxing taking care of everything myself, but I'm managing.

I found a lovely apartment. I'm just feet away from the pool, the landscaping has palm trees  all around.  It has an open floor plan, something I've always wanted. Lots of big windows which allows for an abundance of natural light and bonus, I can look out those windows and see the palm trees.  That makes me so happy.

We've been here about a week and the unpacking is kicking my big fat ass, but I'm doing my best to get it all done.

I've still got major challenges ahead. I have to see a neurosurgeon. Surgery on my cervical spine is not an if,  but a when, and how extensive. It's kind of frightening when your doctor tells you, your high risk for paralization.  I also have to see an orthopedic surgeon. Just my luck the last one I had messed up and the surgery that was supposed to fix my separated shoulder failed.

Honestly, it's all a little too much for me to comprehend. It's scary and I often feel all alone.  I don't feel that I can rely on Musicman, I really have no reason to believe otherwise. My brother and T will do their best to support me, but they have their own lives and issues to deal with and I'm not so great at accepting help.