Saturday, June 29, 2013

Some Rules Weren't Meant To Be Broken

My Mother enjoys telling people that I have thought rules were made to be broken since I was 2 years old. She is very much right about that. I am not the type of person that accepts authority without question. I question everything and everyone.

I have had trust issues my whole life, I often listen to opinions and then ignore them in favor of my own gut intuition. That has served me well over the years, though it always confuses those around me.

It confuses them because they have observed me, clearly an Alpha female, defer to Musicman without question every time. What they don't understand is that I follow his rules because I trust him. I don't blindly trust him, or at least I didn't at the beginning.

At the beginning there were very clear rules. Things he would and would not accept as far as my behavior was concerned. I did not submit to these rules just because he required them. I submitted because there was something for me to gain, or benefit from, by following his rules. My life has always been so much richer and satisfying because I have followed his rules.

I will, within the next few days, break one of his first and foremost rules. I have his express permission to do it too. Yet, while I know I must, I don't really want to do it.

I don't want to do it for a couple reasons. One reason is that I have followed this rule for so long, it has become second nature to me. It's not just something I don't do because he doesn't want me too. I don't do it because it's important to him that I behave in this manner. That fact makes it important to me.

Another reason I don't want to do it is because I will lose the benefits I receive, by following this rule, if only temporarily. There will be no backlash, no consequences of breaking this rule. He has not only given permission, but it was at his suggestion that I now break this rule. That doesn't make me feel any better about the situation.

He has done this because, in this circumstance, it's what is best for me.

You may be wondering what this rule I'm about to break is. It's really always been an easy one for me. It is: I always sleep in his bed, every night, no exceptions.

Yes, of course, there have been a few exceptions over the years. That would be when one or the other of us has been hospitalized and they've kicked us out, cause under those circumstances, we never leave willingly. The only other times have been once to travel south for a relative's funeral, and once for work. The nights we've actually been apart, due to travel, can be counted on one hand.

Now, I am facing almost that much time apart from him again and I don't really want to do it. I want and need him to be by my side, to bolster me and hold me up, cause I know this is going to be tough. I know he would, if he could, be he can't. So, I will face this journey without him by my side. I'm not sure I know how to do that any longer.

I won't be totally alone, I will be in good hands. I will be travelling with my brother and his wife. We are going to visit our other brother, the baby of the family. We are going to say goodbye. It is time, he is losing his battle with cancer and has very little time left.

I'm so happy to have this last time to see him, to be blessed enough to spend some time with him and tell him again how much I love him. I'm dreading seeing him so ill and emaciated, his wife so exhausted and alone, facing a future I can't even conceive of.

I don't know how I will find the right words, but I have faith that I can dig deep and find what ever needs to be said. But in those immediate moments of doubt and pain, I won't have Musicman to turn to, too find my strength. I'm not at all confident that I can do that. But, I will try.

Some rules weren't meant to be broken, this is one of them.





39 comments:

  1. You can and will do it Faerie, for your brother. I am so glad you are getting this chance to say goodbye. It will be difficult but rewarding too. My heart and prayers travel with you my friend. Stay strong.

    Hugs to you.

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    1. Oh sunnygirl, I think you'll understand when I say I am so excited to see him, yet dreading it too. Thank you for lending me some strength, I really need it right now :)

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  2. I am so sorry, but I know that this is the best thing you can do for both brothers. You will find it hard I am sure but saying goodbye is important. I will send positive thoughts and prayers your way.

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    1. Thank you Minelle :) The positive thoughts and prayers are much appreciated. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle losing one brother and watching the other one crumble, but I don't really have much choice right now.

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  3. You have been on my mind so much the last few days. This will be a hard time for you all, but so important for you to do. Musicman will be thinking of you while you're gone, just like you'll be thinking of him. I'm thinking of you too.

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    1. Ok, all I can say is, if you haven't checked your email, please do. Thank you :)

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  4. Oh, I'm so sorry Faerie, so very sorry. Honestly I don't know how hard this will be. But you are stronger than you know. You will find the words. You will make it through. Saying goodbye is bittersweet. I'm glad you have this opportunity, but so sad at the same time.
    Hugs and prayers for you and your family.

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    1. Unfortunately, I've been faced with this kind of loss before, it never gets easier. But, it's always a part of life, at least for me. I'm thrilled I get to see him again, yet I dread what I will find when I do. Thank you for the support, it means a lot to me and my family :)

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  5. faerie, I am glad you have this chance to see and speak your love to your baby brother. I doubt it will matter to either of you which words you say to each other. Your heart will do the talking. This time is all about being together again, if only for a short while, and sharing the live you have for each other.

    When D is gone on travel, I sleep in one of his t-shirts, on his pillow, on his side of the bed. It helps a little, but I still really miss his presence. I am travelling without him next week to visit family. I'm packing one of his t-shirts, but don't think I can get away with his pillow! Dang. It won't help much, but it will give me a small feeling of his presence around me while I sleep. Perhaps if you can find something symbolic of sleeping with him to take with you, it will ease your time apart by having a little piece of him to sleep with. And, maybe if you left him something of you/yours to sleep with, you would feel that small part of you there with him.

    Hugs to you and your family,

    Irishey

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    1. Irishey, that's a wonderful idea. Since I am always with him, I don't really know how to be away from him. And, I did wonder what I was going to take for sleepwear since what I wear, if anything is not presentable. After reading your comment, I did highjack one of his t-shirts to wear to sleep in :)

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  6. Most of the things, that I most regret, are things I chose not to do because of responsibility to something else. Mostly not going to a couple of very important weddings, because I had to work, or not making more of an effort in some relationships. I'm glad you are going, because regret is just hard. I hope that you all will have some occation to smile, even in your pain. So sorry. I have two brothers, and I'm the only girl. I can not imagine how you feel. I will be praying for you and your brothers. Because of being a nurse, I've seen God give some people some really alert, feel better days with family right before time to go. I hope that he has those kind of days while you are there. I will pray that God will keep his pain minimal in the time he has here. Love and prayers, Belle L.

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  7. I'm not sorry I have two brothers. I am sorry, and I have 2 brothers. I wish I wasn't losing my mind.

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    1. I try very hard to live my life with no regrets. Needless to say, that's easier said, than done. But, that is also the reason I must do this, hard as it will be.

      Because I have such a long career in healthcare, my family looks to me to guide them, which makes this journey that much harder. I know I'm losing one brother and I need to have the strength to hold the other one up. I also need to find the strength to do it without Musicman, that is where my doubt lies.

      Don't worry too much about losing your mind. I've found that after a while, you hardly miss it much, lol :)

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  8. My thoughts are with you at this difficult time.

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    1. Thank you DelFonte, I very much appreciate the support :)

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  9. Oh faerie, it's just not fair and totally sucks. I am sooooo sorry. I'm glad your going with your other brother. I wish you strength for your journey, grace for your family and strength for you. Take Musicman in your soul, he's always there to bolster you.

    ((((((((((Hugs)))))))))))

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    1. Ah Fiona, you took the words right out of my mouth. It totally sucks, really big time.

      Thank you for the lending me the strength and grace I need to get through this.

      This will be a new challenge for Musicman and myself, but, I know we will get through it and probably come out stronger for it.

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  10. I'm so sorry that you have to go through this without Musicman by your side, but know that he'll be there in spirit. You're stronger than you think. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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    1. Thank you Mrs. D for the support. I'm still wrestling my brain around the fact that I won't have Musicman by my side physically.

      Just between you and me, I'm not sure how I'm gonna do that, but I'm sure I will figure it out. I don't really have a choice in that.

      Time to put on my big girl pants, at least until I get back to him. Until then, I will carry him in my heart.

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  11. I'm glad you're finding a way to see your baby brother to say goodbye. My heart hurts for you. Wishing you strength, comfort, and peace.
    Take care,
    Meg

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    1. Thank you Meg :) I'm so glad I have this last chance to see my brother. I'm dreading it too, cause saying goodbye is not something I ever thought I would have to do. Life is extremely fickle sometimes.

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  12. This is a journey you have to make, and the rule must be broken. As hard as it will be, it is what you and your brother need right now.
    May love and strength be with you..
    hugs abby

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    1. What you said sounds exactly like what Musicman told me.

      I want to go, but, I don't. If that makes any sense?!

      Thank you for all your support :)

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  13. sending comfort, strength, and love on your journey. your hubby will be with you in your heart as you will be in his. Hugs, Terps

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    1. Thank you. I know you know how hard this for me and I appreciate all the support. When life gets hard, friends are very much appreciated :)

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  14. I'm so sorry. Yes, it has to be done, for the sake of your heart, and it will cause your heart to ache at the same time. Blessed be,
    Saoirse

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    1. MY heart has been aching for many months.

      I look for the lessons to try and understand, yet, in the moment, I can't quite seem to accept. Though, I continue to try :)

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  15. I'm so sorry - saying goodbye to someone that you love with every piece of you is the worst hurt there is. I hope your travels are safe...

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    1. Thank you for the support Ashley. I don't want to say goodbye, yet, I'm so grateful to have the chance to do just that.

      P.S. I hate traveling, and doing it without Musicman is so foreign to me.

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  16. My thoughts will be with you during your journey.

    Big Hug,
    joey

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    1. Thank you joey, the support is very much needed and appreciated.

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  17. I am so sorry. I know what you are going through.

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    1. Yanno...that is the wonderful thing about this community. Even when it's a painful thing, (in the not so good kinda way)people understand and I don't feel so alone.

      I'm so sorry that you know what I'm going through. I send lots of love and light to you :)

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  18. Fairy...holding you and yours in my prayers...that his passing is pain-free and a gentle blessing...and so very deeply sorry for your loss.

    nilla

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    1. Oh nilla, that is exactly what I pray for. A painless and peaceful passing, at least for him.

      For the rest of us...it's gonna suck big time. But, I've been around long enough to know that life is like that some times.

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  19. I am wishing you strength for this trip. This will be hard, and I am sorry. But know Musicman is home waiting for you. To hold you.

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  20. I am sorry, dear Faerie. Surrounding you with love and peace as you say goodbye to your brother.

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