My Mother enjoys telling people that I have thought rules were made to be broken since I was 2 years old. She is very much right about that. I am not the type of person that accepts authority without question. I question everything and everyone.
I have had trust issues my whole life, I often listen to opinions and then ignore them in favor of my own gut intuition. That has served me well over the years, though it always confuses those around me.
It confuses them because they have observed me, clearly an Alpha female, defer to Musicman without question every time. What they don't understand is that I follow his rules because I trust him. I don't blindly trust him, or at least I didn't at the beginning.
At the beginning there were very clear rules. Things he would and would not accept as far as my behavior was concerned. I did not submit to these rules just because he required them. I submitted because there was something for me to gain, or benefit from, by following his rules. My life has always been so much richer and satisfying because I have followed his rules.
I will, within the next few days, break one of his first and foremost rules. I have his express permission to do it too. Yet, while I know I must, I don't really want to do it.
I don't want to do it for a couple reasons. One reason is that I have followed this rule for so long, it has become second nature to me. It's not just something I don't do because he doesn't want me too. I don't do it because it's important to him that I behave in this manner. That fact makes it important to me.
Another reason I don't want to do it is because I will lose the benefits I receive, by following this rule, if only temporarily. There will be no backlash, no consequences of breaking this rule. He has not only given permission, but it was at his suggestion that I now break this rule. That doesn't make me feel any better about the situation.
He has done this because, in this circumstance, it's what is best for me.
You may be wondering what this rule I'm about to break is. It's really always been an easy one for me. It is: I always sleep in his bed, every night, no exceptions.
Yes, of course, there have been a few exceptions over the years. That would be when one or the other of us has been hospitalized and they've kicked us out, cause under those circumstances, we never leave willingly. The only other times have been once to travel south for a relative's funeral, and once for work. The nights we've actually been apart, due to travel, can be counted on one hand.
Now, I am facing almost that much time apart from him again and I don't really want to do it. I want and need him to be by my side, to bolster me and hold me up, cause I know this is going to be tough. I know he would, if he could, be he can't. So, I will face this journey without him by my side. I'm not sure I know how to do that any longer.
I won't be totally alone, I will be in good hands. I will be travelling with my brother and his wife. We are going to visit our other brother, the baby of the family. We are going to say goodbye. It is time, he is losing his battle with cancer and has very little time left.
I'm so happy to have this last time to see him, to be blessed enough to spend some time with him and tell him again how much I love him. I'm dreading seeing him so ill and emaciated, his wife so exhausted and alone, facing a future I can't even conceive of.
I don't know how I will find the right words, but I have faith that I can dig deep and find what ever needs to be said. But in those immediate moments of doubt and pain, I won't have Musicman to turn to, too find my strength. I'm not at all confident that I can do that. But, I will try.
Some rules weren't meant to be broken, this is one of them.